So Not Ready

I got the call this morning, the one I knew would be coming but that I was selfishly(?) praying never would.

I felt selfish because you told me in no uncertain terms that life wasn’t worth living in the shape you were in.

I told you that you sounded just like mom.

You told me not to be sad and not to cry when it happened, that you were ready.

Problem is, I SO wasn’t ready, so I’m sorry big brother… I’m really, REALLY sad. And yes, I’m crying.

I was planning on calling you last weekend, I’m so damn mad that I didn’t.

I wanted to tell you how much I love you.

I wanted to tell you that no matter how much of a grumpy act you put on we ALL knew that you had heart a heart full of love, and that you were endlessly generous with your time and your skills and your advice. You never fooled anyone.

I cherish the beautiful bench you made for me. I especially cherish the $300.00 coop you made for my $3.00 chicken when you were here visiting. I promise you that I think of you and smile every time I look at it.

Thank you for being a great big brother.

I will miss you every day.

Goodbye for now, please give mom and dad a hug from me.

I’ll see you all when I get there.